Here’s what I’ve determined: TGIF!
Young (or young looking) professional men who work at desks are adorable! And here’s why: This office is really sparse with activity for me. I’m extremely far from everyone else in the office, or the few people that have been showing up this week. The larger portion of the office has the week off… which has actually made my job hard. But everytime I turn the corner to distribute mail, the guys are always jamming to their internet radio or iPods and frankly I get weak in the knees.
-
Also, skinny jeans suck for short people. And people who ride bikes. And here’s why: short people wearing skinny jeans=bunches up at the knees and ankles (and that looks stupid). bikers wearing skinny jeans=stretches at the knees (thus eventually destroying the integrity of the jeans). short people who bike and wear skinny jeans=fucked.
-
Gwen Stefani loves to show her legs.
Today at work I wrote a play in an hour.
Post 9-11, city apartment of couple Harry and Elise. Harry enters wearing a nice black fleece pull over and jeans . Elise is sitting with Julie. Elise witnesses Harry enter, and re-witnesses to discover he is carrying a briefcase.
Elise: Goddammit Harry, what’s with the briefcase? You’ve been carrying it for days.
Harry: (hurt) You don’t like my briefcase?
Elise: Lawyers carry briefcases. You’re not a lawyer; you don’t brief cases, you shelve books. Now tell me what’s in the briefcase.
Harry: What!? No. It’s just my work stuff.
Elise: Well then let me see.
Harry: I don’t ask you what’s in your purse.
Elise: That’s because you don’t care what’s in my purse.
Harry: You don’t know…
Elise: I do know that. You never ask me what’s in my purse…
Harry: Excuse me…
Elise: …If you cared you’d ask.
Harry: Well it’s just not polite!
Elise: You’re such a guy!
Elise storms off. Harry is dumbfounded.
Julie: At least she didn’t ask me what’s in my cup.
Harry: (still dumbfounded) Huh?
Julie: I’ve been drinking heavily for hours…
Harry sits down puts briefcase in his lap.
Julie: She doesn’t know. She just blabbed on and on and on…
Silence.
Julie: So what is in the briefcase?
Harry: Ugh.
Harry gets up and walks to the table, sits his briefcase down and takes off his fleece pull over.
Julie: Oh come on! Just cause your PMSing girlfriend of 4 years is weeping in the next room doesn’t mean you can’t give your loving sister for life a peak at whatcha got in there?
Harry: NO! Why. Does. Everybody. Care.
Julie: Oh Harry! It’s because you’re so charming and mysterious! But mostly because its random and you are so intent on not letting anyone see whatcha got in there.
Harry: Sis…I don’t care what’s in your purse, so you just don’t worry about what’s in my briefcase.
Julie: It’s just not…YOU thats all. (pause) Alright. But if I have to spend another night over here listening to your girlfriend talk about how you don’t pay enough attention to her, I’m gonna go on a drunken rampage.
Harry: What?! I pay-
Julie: (cutting him off, and lovingly) I know.
Julie has a thoughtful pause rolls her eyes and collects her things.
Harry: Are you going home?
Julie: Yeah.
Harry: Are you alright getting to the subway station?
Julie: Yeah. (on her way out the door) Good luck with the monster…
Elise: (from bedroom) HARRY!
Lights fade.
Lights rise, its early morning. Elise creeps into the living room. Creeps to the table where Harry left the briefcase and tries to open it. She struggles. The struggle goes on for minutes. She climbs up on the kitchen sized table. She attempts to open the briefcase using several different kitchen and office utensils including (but not restricted to) a letter opener, a pie server, a bottle opener, scissors, and a paper clip. She fiddles with the lock and turns the set of numbers. It pops open but not so that she can see or the audience can see what is inside.
Elise: Asshole would use his address.
She repositions herself on the table and sits the briefcase in her lap. Opens it.
Elise: TOY CARS! TOY CARS! TOY FUCKING CARS!
Harry comes running out of the bedroom in a panic and his boxer briefs.
Harry: WHAT?! Are you ok!?!? What is it!?
Harry sees Elise.
Elise: Toy cars!
Harry: Aw, goddammit!
Curtain.
I really really really want to but…
I can’t blog. I’ve put off my Christmas blog hours because I figured I’d have ample time here in the office to do it.
Alas, cubicle anxiety.
I. HAVE. THE. LOUDEST. KEYBOARD. EVER.
Springtime in December.
People were wearing shorts today. Whats the deal? It is supposed to be snowy outside dammit.
The worst part about being in my hometown is going to the grocery store. You know you’re going to run into someone. And today I was soaked from the rain, looked like a ragamuffin and was caught off guard. BUMMER.
Isn’t Ben STILLER Jewish? Why was he in a Christmas special with Elmo? Weird.
I fell in love with my sega game gear again today. I wish I had more games then the few that I do have. I’m so taking that shit to NY when I move. EPIC!
So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. What’s that mean for me? Sleeping until I’m annoyed by my mom because she doesn’t have to work tomorrow and she sure as hell won’t let me sleep past noon no matter what time I fall asleep. Wrapping two presents. Going to my aunts house to get people (my mom for hilarity’s sake) liquored up, bitch about other family members and open my one present that I have to be there for 6 hours to get while listening to screaming spoiled brats, getting shoved out of the food line, and generally being hot and annoyed. BUT AT LEAST THIS YEAR I HAVE A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT. Even if it was for the tacky Christmas party I didn’t go to. I’m gonna wear it dammit. That way my sister and I will look adorable together.
Oh geez. I’ll take a picture of just how fun it is.
what was there for me to grip?
i wanted nothing more than just to stay there
the truth is i was just too dumb
to stop myself from holding on.
i believed in love.
[the blow-babay (eat a critter, feel it's wrath)]
i’m on a the blow kick.
Live From New York…
…it’s a Saturday Night Live Christmas episode. Because if they can’t give you new, they might as well give you host, Steve Martin and the best cast of the 90s.
My commentary:
- DEAR LORD this episode is pre-Father of the Bride.
- Adam Sandler was kinda hott.
- It’s the episode with Schmitts Gay. Haha.
Anyway, today I my parent’s and I were talking about the writer’s strike. (Specifically about SNL writers) Arguing rather. My argument: Even though the writers are striking by not working, I say the whole strike is fueling their fire. They’re all probably writing and keeping ideas, as writers/comedians do. My Dad’s Argument: Nah! They’re vacationing.
…I mean, sure they make more money than most people, but that doesn’t mean they’re vacationing for God’s sake. I mean really, the writers of SNL had just come back from a 4 month vaca/movie shooting period, had an episode or two, and then it was “pencils down.” Come on Dad, get your head out of the clouds.
- Theatre Stories! I love Mike Myers in this skit. So good. Steve is pretty good too. Its a little long though.
- James Taylor.
I can mark something off of my Master-to-do list of DOOM!!!
5. Get Ray a Christmas Present.
- Kevin Nealon Weekend Update = WEAK. Sorry, dude.
- This was a great episode to pick to play today.
- Three words. SHUT. SANDLER. UP. Gosh,… is there a punch line?
- HOOK had just opened. GOD. I was a child.
- DEEP THOUGHTS. hahaha. wild dogs. that’s hysterical.
Tonight I went to my aunt and uncles house to catch up with the fam before the chaos of Xmas Eve. It was fun. It was my first legal night of drinking with my parents. I got to tell my aunt and uncle all about my plans to move to NY. I also got hear about all the family Christmas drama. FUNNNN…
- Did anyone ever write Chris Rock something that was actually hysterical?
- Global Warming Joke! 2 points…
Lorne Michaels is hottstuff. I’m gonna go now, I have a bit of a headache.
GOODNIGHT.
Heres the deal…
Because I’m not required to do anything while visiting my hometown, I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. In fact, I have not left this house since I stepped into it Monday(?) evening. The things I have done have included the following: slept, spent more hours a day on this laptop than I would ever like to admit, showered, laundered, consumed food (vegetables!), and made cookies (then ate them all).
I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking about the next few months. I have to really buckle down at school this semester because I don’t want to put off moving to New York any longer than I have to. With that, I also want to do stuff this semester. There is a lot of Richmond I haven’t experienced yet and need to before I leave.
So I’ve decided I have to stage manage the hell out of my own life this semester. 2008 is going to have a schedule and I’m going to stick to it. It is going to have a master to do list that is going to rock. I’ve decided in order to keep myself on the master to do list schedule, I’m going to have a category called master to do. I will occasionally post my master to dos on this here blog (aw golly gee my readers must fancy this idea!).
I’ve also decided that I need to get on the ball with my finances. I am never good with balancing my check book, so I’ve decided that I’m just going to make a fucking excel document (hellz to the yeahizzle)! I’m really good at keeping receipts and throwing them on the table beside my bed and never looking at them again, so the way I figure it I’ll have a hard copy and a soft copy. I’ll keep my hard copy bedside with my receipts and when I’m bored I’ll actually fill it out. Then every month when I get my bank statement I’ll compare, and insert the information into my soft copy, where I will also keep tabs of my paychecks.
I’m incredibly overwhelmed by the potential of awesome my life has right now. I mean, I’m moving to New York. I’m moving to New York with Hope, who is hands down the most level headed and genuine friend I’ve had in years. I’m moving to New York to do what I love, stage manage. I’m moving to New York a year sooner than expected…if all goes accordingly. WHICH IT WILL.
So it all starts here at my blog.
- Pay secret credit card bill
- Excel Finances.Doc
- Go through belongings that are still in my parents house. Take what I want, throw the rest out or consider putting it on ebay.
- Put pictures on my computer
- Get Ray his Christmas present
- Cut my hair, or get it cut
- Make my parents buy me a new pair of pants
- Make a list of people I need to send snail mail to
- Uncle Raymond
- Aunt Mary
- Clay McAwesome Chapman
- Put together my own Address/Email/Phone Number Book
The street heats the urgency of now
As you can see there’s no one around
The curse.
It seems as though everyone is having a disappointing time in their hometowns and wants to return to Richmond.
Why is everyone in a funk this Christmas?
Oh, I mean… beyond the fact that the world is coming to and end.
Into our shelters we go
shield us from the unbearably high sky
shroud us in from what we know
bandaged up from all the bleeding love
and
you don’t even believe in outerspace
equal to the rate at which you doubt my crying face
and since you don’t believe me
should I cover up and fake it?
or just sit here with your disbelief and know that I can take it?
[the blow-knowing the things that know]
The Days Leading Up To “X”mas
I’m in my hometown for the next week…car-less, friend-less, freedom-less and thus hopeless.
This is doomed to be the most unbearable Christmas ever. I’m not even a little bit excited about it. It seems as though the commercialization of Christmas has finally consumed my extended family. Not only is there epic family drama this year (I almost want to grab a bucket of oven top pop, sit back and make cynical comments about how everyone is stupid to my 2 year old sister), I’m finally recognized as an adult this year. What exactly does that mean? That means that everyone wants to involve me in the drama. “Oh no, they didn’t!” They surely don’t want to hear what I have to say. I’d word vomit all over them, leave, move to New York and they all might as well sit Shiva for me. I’d be dead to them. Then next year instead of the drama being about how my cousin, who got back with her abusive husband, is not being allowed to join the family on the Eve, it would be about how I stayed in New York, by myself, happily eating Cheerios and sipping on English Tea (sugar only, please) waiting for my red eye to Richmond so that I could see my sister and no one else.
Anyways. My immediate family is broke this Christmas and doesn’t want to talk about it. My father has this expectation of himself that he needs to fulfill each Christmas by surprising me or my mother, or sister now, or grandparents with some epic gift. (A therapist would say its the only way he knows how to show affection.) I wish he’d stop being so grumpy about it. I mean, I haven’t even browsed the presents underneath the tree, let alone search my house for what could possibly be at the bottom of my stocking this year. All I want for Christmas is a good dinner for a change. Rather than one where everyone is all pissed off or upset about something stupid.
In other news, I’m just ok. I haven’t contacted any of my “hometown” friends. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’ve just out-grown doing the same mindless activities with them. I’m home for a week. I’m trying this “aloof in Williamsburg” thing out. I’m going to try to not see them the entire time I’m here. Though, I do want to see Brian and Aaron. I’m almost too embarrassed to.
I can’t stand to think about
A heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my God I gave my best
But for three whole years to end like this
[The Format-The First Single]
this is MY blog.
Well, I guess I’ll introduce myself.
I‘m Shelley. I’m old enough. I was born in Virginia. I live in Richmond currently, but I have plans to move to New York in August (hopefully somewhere in Brooklyn). I’m a stage manager. I like office supplies (naturally). I like to ride my bicycle with my friends, and I like to go fast. Unfortunately, you can’t go fast on a Cruiser. I like to watch television, but only with other people. I like theatre (especially indie, off-Broadway, non-spectacle theatre). I like Williamsburg, Va in the fall and spring but not at any other time of the year. I like winter, and thats new for me. I like music, but mostly my taste in music is whatever was introduced to me by my friends. I’m attracted to talent, passion, men with well kept facial hair, liberals, and guys who read the news. I like people that like to make things, change things, and support things.
This is, I think my 7th blog. I had two personal ones in high school, a blog ring that I wrote for along with several other people across the US (it was started by a friend of mine) that was news specific (I always wrote about weird news), a personal one I had my first year of college, a blog describing a tour that I went on… that I failed to maintain, I started a few other topic specific blogs but became bored with them. And the one I’m most proud of…The Standby, where my best friend Hope and I write about stage management.
Anyway, I hope I stick with this blog and I presume it will outlive the blogs of my past.
I‘m not sure what I’ll talk about here, but more likely than not, I’ll talk about myself a lot.
To be even more specific, the next few blogs will undoubtedly be about the following topics: Why 2007 sucked. Why 2007 rocked. Christmas time.
You’ve made a lasting impression
And if it doesn’t feel right
Then I just can’t go wrong
[The Starting Line-Lasting Impression]
